From the studio that still has its Marvel property in their grasp, and Marvel, comes yet another take on the spectacular web-slinger with a much more complicated back story, or lack thereof. I didn’t watch the cartoons, the Sam Raimi movies, or the Amazing reboot, but this is the superhero I know the most through the thirty-page books and sticker books I got as a kid, and I feel cheated by the studio’s decision on what can Spider-Man do.
Spider-Man doesn’t shoot webbing from his hands. In fact, he secretly makes the webbing in his chemistry class. His Spidey senses don’t seem to tingle. Instead, he just flies around swinging from building to building looking for trouble. The only thing he can do is climb on walls and be super strong. And on top of that, his suit is made by Iron Man, who is now suddenly his mentor.
This really isn’t an origin story, but more of a follow up on Peter Parker after his debut in Civil War. But that’s where it starts to go wrong. The movie opens up on his phone recording the events from him flying to Berlin to fighting Captain America to him flipping out in his hotel room. I understand that Peter is just a child, and this a childlike thing to do. But this totally derails what we saw in Civil War as this slick teenage boy in blue and red tights that just stole Cap’s shield, and now he’s a child again. This whole film is a carbon copy of the main character being worthy of the powers he’s been given. Where have we seen that before in the MCU? <cough><cough>Thor<cough>
I have said in the past that Iron Man has become a joke. Not anymore. Iron Man is an abomination and an asshole. My God, I never wanted to punch anyone more, except Shawn in I, Tonya, but that’s another story. Tony Stark has become the “parent” we all hated. Not giving the hero a chance, dodging him at every move, and when Peter tries to prove himself, he’s stripped of his suit, left with nothing but the crappy one he made himself, and when he’s made himself worthy, they’re all friends again. Tony Stark, has anyone ever told you that you’re an asshole? If not, allow me to be the first. YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! If I were Peter, I would have told where to take it when you tried to be his buddy again. And I have a question for you, sir, the whole ordeal with and Happy and the plane leaving Avengers Tower, was that a test for Peter? Let me remind you, f*cker, that you left the fate of the Avengers, the fate of your career, and the fate of your fortune in the hands of a fifteen-year-old with basically no powers! And you hoped that he succeeded! Happy, you are on my Ex list, too! I hate you too!
(Let the record show that I love you, RDJ and Jon Favreau, you guys were awesome in these roles and you played them so well.)
Let’s talk about Vulture, whoever he is. He never really was called Vulture. And he really wasn’t a villain. He was mad that Tony Stark, once again, took over cleaning up from the Battle of New York, leaving Toomes nearly bankrupt, and he decides to steal parts from the cleanup and make weapons. The movie needs to figure out how its timeline goes. This story takes place eight years after the Battle of New York, which happened in 2012. Eight years later, it should be 2020. Does that mean this movie takes place in the future? Does that mean all installments from here on out are set in the future? Does Civil War take place in the future because this movie picks up where Civil War leaves off? Or did the Battle of New York actually take place in 2009, since this movie was released in 2017?
I’m unsure as to how to rate Michael Keaton, as I’ve seen him in good movies and bad, and he’s pretty average in both. But I feel, however, that he was squandered in this money hungry cartoon villain that also happens to be Peter’s crush’s dad.
Let’s talk about that. Peter, like all boys, is struggling to navigate high school and finding a girl to date. He likes Liz, but he also knows what she thinks about Spider-Man; we learn in an F, Marry or Kill game that she says Spider-Man is Spider-Man. So he’s lame in her eyes, and now possibly the enemy for putting her father in jail. Meanwhile, he clashes with the rebellious Negasonic Teenage Warhead-like Zendaya, who we see in the end that she wants to Rewrite the Stars with Peter though he doesn’t know it yet.
Peter and Tony do make a good pair, however, in terms of how they conceal their identities. (I’m calm now, my anger has subsided.) Tony just blatantly told the world he’s Iron Man while Peter is too sure of himself that no one was watching before he takes off his mask. Doing so, he blows his cover to his best friend, who is a literal representation of us in the sense that we become excited that our best friends secretly fights crime, and his aunt, who he tried to so hard not to tell. I’m sure that that was coming eventually, but I never thought that it would be at the end in his bedroom yelling ”WHAT THE—“ before going to credits. Was that supposed to be for laughs? Because that wasn’t funny.
I want to talk about the suit before I go. Again, Peter can’t shoot webbing out of his hands, though in other films he manages to do it just fine. The new suit given to him, by Tony, can communicate with him, allows him to see and hear his surroundings from far away, and can shoot multiple forms of webbing. The suit also comes with a drone to fly around Peter when he needs it to. Is that supposed to make up for the one power he was gifted with that he no longer has? His all-powerful, sentient, suit is a substitute to him shooting webbing? And how did he find a recipe to make his webbing? How come he hasn’t been caught yet? Doesn’t the teacher wonder why an extra beaker was dirty and some supplies are missing? Does Peter Parker watch Breaking Bad?
Oh, and one more thing. Pepper resurfaces at the end to be disappointed about Peter turning down the Avengers. Then Tony surprises her with a ring that Happy has been carrying around since 2008, to give the press something. First of all, the hell you did, Happy! You were busy taking Rolls Royces onto the Formula 1 track and taking down exploding Terminators to be watching a ring for eight years. And why did Pepper get back with Tony? They broke up because he was a handful. At least, that’s what they said in the movies. (Wink!)
Sorry, last time. The biggest question we still don’t the answer to is how Tony knew Peter was Spider-Man. I know I have my theory, but I want to hear it from the man himself.
I’m really starting to think that Marvel is more focused on how much they can get away with in a PG-13 rated film in terms of language, violence, and sexual innuendoes. The violence is implied, but it’s getting more aggressive. The language is getting more atrocious. Zendaya flips off Peter; that’s not cool. And the F, Marry, or Kill should not be in a PG-13 film for children.
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Released On: July 7, 2017
Rating: PG-13
Stars: Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Robert Downey, Jr., Marisa Tomei, Zendaya
Director: Jon Watts Rotten Tomatoes Score: 92% Certified Fresh
IMDb Score: 7.5/10
Awards
Saturn Awards
- Best Comic-to-Motion Picture Release - Nominated
- Best Supporting Actor in a Film Michael Keaton - Nominated
- Best Performance by a Younger Actor in a Film Tom Holland - Winner
- Best Performance by a Younger Actor in a Film Zendaya - Nominated
(Click here to view more awards for "Spider-Man: Homecoming")
Videos
How It Should Have Ended - How Spider-Man Homecoming Should Have Ended
Screen Junkies - Honest Trailers - Spider-Man: Homecoming
CinemaSins - Everything Wrong With Spider-Man: Homecoming
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