Uh, can I get a large platter of fuqcue with a side of vadersmüld and glass of blue milk, please? And can I get that in a doggy bag so I can light it on Disney's front porch? Oh, wait! That's this movie. Never-f*cking-mind.
The epic conclusion to the Skywalker Saga comes crashing down like the apparent remains of Death Star II on that one planet with the warthog ponies. Can anyone smell the Endgame fumes from this obviously microwaved plotline? Because this is the exact plot of Avengers: Endgame. The remaining ragtag of Resistance fighters search for an jewel to stop an ancient evil ruler and his CGI army from ruling the galaxy. Along the way, Poe and Finn clash as they struggle with their new promotions in leadership, and Rey searches for clues to end her quest she began so long ago. Then they end it all with Palpatine saying, "I am the Sith!," and Rey saying, "And I am the Jedi!" I'm surprised Star-Lord didn't show up with a sh*tty track tape to finish this movie.
Who in the f*ck is batsh*t crazy enough to get freaky with the Emperor? Especially when he's clearly thousands of years old and filled with batsh*t craziness? My mother said that Rey's parents could be conceived by the midi-chlorians. I'm now reminded of Palpatine's talk with Anakin, in Revenge of the Sith. He said Darth Pleigus could manipulate the midi-chlorians to create life. Palpatine was clearly his apprentice, so he learned how to do such a thing and impregnated some poor woman who was forced to do this. But if that were so, then the entire Darth Vader storyline is completely useless. Why search for a new apprentice when he can just conjure up an heir? Darth Maul would have been spared, Count Dooku would be a respected Jedi, and Anakin would watch his children grow.
We learn that Poe was a spice runner before joining the Resistance. That explains a lot about the shadiness I didn't like about him. All those moves he did with Millennium Falcon is also a dead giveaway. In fact, I believe Han got away with something like that in Solo. The infamous Kessel Run. Another scruffy looking nerf herder thing is that Chewie would know better than to easily give in to First Order stormtroopers. My guess is, he turned himself in so that he can find some Intel on the inscription on the dagger they found. Since C-3PO was unwilling to transcribe the message, what was there to do? You can totally see the bind he was in.
And by the way, it's against 3PO's programming to transcribe the Sith language, are you sh*tting me? It's also against his programming to impersonate a deity, but guess what? He's a f*cking deity through Luke's guidance. In this case, he needed a hotel lobotomy in order to comply. Maybe Rey should have influenced him to comply. My sister suggested that he should have just entered the coordinates himself, so that he isn't actually saying it.
I don't care Kylo Ren finally turned good. He's still a whiny brat. When he pulled that Wolverine move to save Rey, does that mean he lives in her now? Would evil Rey with the folding lightsaber still happen? And ha, Harrison Ford, they tricked you into playing Han again.
The biggest problem I have with these movies is how the Force works. Many characters display tricks never before seen on the silver screen. But I think the culprit is the how dumb the Jedi really were. There are abilities in the Dark Side where the Jedi consider it unnatural? Like what? Stopping a blaster bolt and changing its direction? Flying through space like somehow you're not dead? Chatting with someone across the galaxy? Being able to hand something over to someone across the galaxy? Transferring their strength to heal someone? Okay, maybe that one. It's frustrating to watch these new tricks when no one has done it before. I should be amazed, but I'm not. I'm rather annoyed.
The Skywalker Saga may be over, but they will definitely come back to this storyline in the next trilogy. Rey isn't Skywalker blood, so it won't be another Skywalker family drama. But there will be a copycat Kylo Ren who will stop at nothing to find Luke and Leia's lightsabers to rule the galaxy with. Just wait. It'll happen.
I hope you liked this. Be sure to subscribe and leave a comment about what you thought or if you want to recommend a movie for me to review. Thank you for reading. I'll return next week with another movie. See you then.
Released On: December 20, 2019
Rating: PG-13
Stars: Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Daniels, Naomi Ackie, Domhnall Gleeson, Richard E. Grant, Lupita Nyong'o, Keri Russell, Joonas Suotamo, Kelly Marie Tran, Ian McDiarmid, Billy Dee Williams
Director: J.J. Abrams
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 52%
IMDb Score: 6.9/10
Awards
Academy Awards
Videos
How It Should Have Ended - The Rise of Skywalker - HISHE Reviews (SPOILERS)
WatchMojo - Top 10 Unanswered Questions in The Rise of Skywalker
CinemaSins - Everything Wrong With Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker in Force Minutes
Screen Junkies - Honest Trailers | Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
How It Should Have Ended - How Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Should Have Ended
The epic conclusion to the Skywalker Saga comes crashing down like the apparent remains of Death Star II on that one planet with the warthog ponies. Can anyone smell the Endgame fumes from this obviously microwaved plotline? Because this is the exact plot of Avengers: Endgame. The remaining ragtag of Resistance fighters search for an jewel to stop an ancient evil ruler and his CGI army from ruling the galaxy. Along the way, Poe and Finn clash as they struggle with their new promotions in leadership, and Rey searches for clues to end her quest she began so long ago. Then they end it all with Palpatine saying, "I am the Sith!," and Rey saying, "And I am the Jedi!" I'm surprised Star-Lord didn't show up with a sh*tty track tape to finish this movie.
Who in the f*ck is batsh*t crazy enough to get freaky with the Emperor? Especially when he's clearly thousands of years old and filled with batsh*t craziness? My mother said that Rey's parents could be conceived by the midi-chlorians. I'm now reminded of Palpatine's talk with Anakin, in Revenge of the Sith. He said Darth Pleigus could manipulate the midi-chlorians to create life. Palpatine was clearly his apprentice, so he learned how to do such a thing and impregnated some poor woman who was forced to do this. But if that were so, then the entire Darth Vader storyline is completely useless. Why search for a new apprentice when he can just conjure up an heir? Darth Maul would have been spared, Count Dooku would be a respected Jedi, and Anakin would watch his children grow.
We learn that Poe was a spice runner before joining the Resistance. That explains a lot about the shadiness I didn't like about him. All those moves he did with Millennium Falcon is also a dead giveaway. In fact, I believe Han got away with something like that in Solo. The infamous Kessel Run. Another scruffy looking nerf herder thing is that Chewie would know better than to easily give in to First Order stormtroopers. My guess is, he turned himself in so that he can find some Intel on the inscription on the dagger they found. Since C-3PO was unwilling to transcribe the message, what was there to do? You can totally see the bind he was in.
And by the way, it's against 3PO's programming to transcribe the Sith language, are you sh*tting me? It's also against his programming to impersonate a deity, but guess what? He's a f*cking deity through Luke's guidance. In this case, he needed a hotel lobotomy in order to comply. Maybe Rey should have influenced him to comply. My sister suggested that he should have just entered the coordinates himself, so that he isn't actually saying it.
I don't care Kylo Ren finally turned good. He's still a whiny brat. When he pulled that Wolverine move to save Rey, does that mean he lives in her now? Would evil Rey with the folding lightsaber still happen? And ha, Harrison Ford, they tricked you into playing Han again.
The biggest problem I have with these movies is how the Force works. Many characters display tricks never before seen on the silver screen. But I think the culprit is the how dumb the Jedi really were. There are abilities in the Dark Side where the Jedi consider it unnatural? Like what? Stopping a blaster bolt and changing its direction? Flying through space like somehow you're not dead? Chatting with someone across the galaxy? Being able to hand something over to someone across the galaxy? Transferring their strength to heal someone? Okay, maybe that one. It's frustrating to watch these new tricks when no one has done it before. I should be amazed, but I'm not. I'm rather annoyed.
The Skywalker Saga may be over, but they will definitely come back to this storyline in the next trilogy. Rey isn't Skywalker blood, so it won't be another Skywalker family drama. But there will be a copycat Kylo Ren who will stop at nothing to find Luke and Leia's lightsabers to rule the galaxy with. Just wait. It'll happen.
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I hope you liked this. Be sure to subscribe and leave a comment about what you thought or if you want to recommend a movie for me to review. Thank you for reading. I'll return next week with another movie. See you then.
Released On: December 20, 2019
Rating: PG-13
Stars: Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Daniels, Naomi Ackie, Domhnall Gleeson, Richard E. Grant, Lupita Nyong'o, Keri Russell, Joonas Suotamo, Kelly Marie Tran, Ian McDiarmid, Billy Dee Williams
Director: J.J. Abrams
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 52%
IMDb Score: 6.9/10
Awards
Academy Awards
- Best Original Score John Williams - Nominated
- Best Sound Editing Matthew Wood & David Acord - Nominated
- Best Visual Effects Roger Guyett - Nominated
Videos
How It Should Have Ended - The Rise of Skywalker - HISHE Reviews (SPOILERS)
WatchMojo - Top 10 Unanswered Questions in The Rise of Skywalker
CinemaSins - Everything Wrong With Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker in Force Minutes
Screen Junkies - Honest Trailers | Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
How It Should Have Ended - How Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Should Have Ended
Yeah, it'll happen. Lol, set it on fire on Disney's doorstep.
ReplyDeleteHa, Harrison Ford!
Also, your mother is very wise...and old. Like this frsnchise.